Transcript
0:00:00 - (Marquelle):
You can overcome the impossible. You know, I like to help people have the hope that they can experience the joy of wellness. Their mind can be calm and quiet, and they can feel happy again and enjoy doing things and living.
0:00:18 - (Marcia):
Welcome to the Illuminating wisdom podcast. I'm your host, Marcia Narine Weldon, and I'm a lawyer, business strategist, corporate trainer, and executive coach. Each week, I'm going to bring you my favorite entrepreneurs, thought leaders, legal professionals, and other coaches who will inspire, educate, and empower you. So, Marquelle, I'm thrilled to welcome you to the illuminating wisdom podcast. Today, you are a nutritionist. You're a life and trauma coach and a relationship coach. You are also a neuroencoder.
0:00:50 - (Marcia):
So before we even get started talking about what you do in terms of dealing with betrayal and trauma and food and mind body, what is neuroencoding? And I know because I'm also a neuron coder, but tell the people what that is.
0:01:02 - (Marquelle):
All right. And thank you for having me on your show today, Marcia. I appreciate it. So, neuroencoding, it is where we actually are able to shift from, say, negative thoughts or feelings to something positive. And we are encoding ourselves. And you might say, well, how do we encode? Well, we practice and we repeat and we rehearse. We do pattern interrupts or what we call the stop technique. If we find ourselves looping in negative thoughts, we can be like, stop.
0:01:36 - (Marquelle):
Okay, what is the thought? That impostor syndrome, negative thoughts, lies. Okay, what is the truth? And then we put that into motion and repetition. We go find something to do that's going to fill that hole or that gap. So we are shifting from the negative to positive. I also like to think that it helps us to be able to overcome things that seem impossible and move to where they are actually possible.
0:02:06 - (Marcia):
So you and I both met through this neuroencoding training program. And for our listeners who may be familiar with Tony Robbins, you may be if you've ever gone to an unleashed a power within and you've seen, you know, I'm black, so I can say it. He's the black guy, right? And he's there, and he has a very different style. And I remember always being enraptured by his style. I've been to two upws, and I always kind of really resonated. And I said one day I'd love to be mentored by him. And you and I have both been personally mentored by him with his neuroencoding technique.
0:02:36 - (Marcia):
And for some people who might have heard of neurolinguistic programming? It's a similar, but it goes a little bit deeper. Now, you also focus on dealing with trauma and betrayal. And before we get into some of those definitions of trauma and betrayal, how is neuroencoding different from, let's say, therapy?
0:02:58 - (Marquelle):
Well, first of all, we learn how to notice what's going on. What are we feeling in our body that's really important for trauma recovery? What are the thoughts, the emotions, being able to identify those and then do what I talked about a minute ago, pattern interrupt. Okay, wait. And what do I want to feel like? Or what are the thoughts that are true that I want to be thinking? And then we practice those, and we're learning how to fill the hole, the negative.
0:03:31 - (Marquelle):
When we identify that, we're learning how to fill that with positive or habits and patterns that we want to instill into our life. So really, one thing that I think is so empowering is this is really helping us with our personal growth and development. We are actually learning how we can step into our truth, step into our power and move forward instead of being stuck.
0:03:56 - (Marcia):
And we're focusing on moving forward. And I have gone through therapy. I have tremendous respect for therapy. And typically when I coach people, if they have a therapist, I say, don't stop. But we're looking at what are the patterns that are holding us back? We're not necessarily looking in the past. We're really looking toward the future. Would you agree that that's correct?
0:04:13 - (Marquelle):
Yes. In that we can't change the past. We also can't necessarily predict the future or change the future. We can be present where we're at now. And that future is kind of like our vision, our goal of where we're going and what we're moving towards. And so really, a lot of the neuro encoding and things that I use, we're focusing on being present. Where am I right now? What's going? Well, celebration is a huge thing for neuroencoders.
0:04:41 - (Marcia):
Absolutely.
0:04:42 - (Marquelle):
That helps us to be able to accomplish what we want. That is probably out in the future, and we're moving towards that again.
0:04:50 - (Marcia):
So you work with women, and one of the things you work on is dealing with trauma and betrayal. Trauma. So let's break that down a little bit. First of all, people use the word trauma. They just throw it around like it's just a word. Oh, I'm so traumatized. That was traumatic. I've got PTSD from that meeting. Right. But trauma really means something very serious. So for the listeners, why don't you define what trauma means to you.
0:05:13 - (Marquelle):
So, to me, trauma means broken or violated trust. It's when you just feel so shattered, even worthless and hopeless, and it's all alone. So trauma is very devastating, and it really hits right to the core. And it does take time to heal and recover from that.
0:05:38 - (Marcia):
So I noticed that when you spoke, your whole affect and your demeanor and everything changed. Have you had a personal experience with trauma? And you also really specialize in betrayal trauma that you're willing to share? Because I think some people may, you know, Marcia just said, trauma just can't be thrown around. And if they've listened, they saw and they heard how it affected you, what happened in your life that led you to want to believe and focus on this area and to help other people.
0:06:08 - (Marquelle):
Well, and I haven't shared my story a whole lot, so I guess this gives me another opportunity. I am a victim of domestic violence. There was a lot of tension in the marriage, and actually, this was very shocking. I would have never anticipated it happening just the way the situation was. And it's like, wow, how does that happen? Somebody that you love so much would hurt you so badly. So whether that's domestic violence or somebody that's into pornography or infidelity or a business partner that betrays you, that you trusted, all of these are very personal.
0:06:53 - (Marquelle):
And overcoming domestic violence, a lot of the similar crazy making, gaslighting, blaming, shaming, minimizing, all of that is involved, just as if somebody were into pornography or infidelity or having other addictions. And the one thing that is different is that then you usually have a physical wound, which the body reminds. That body keeps the score. It's a very real thing. It's a constant reminder. So even when you're working on all of this other stuff, you just have that pain that's so intense.
0:07:32 - (Marquelle):
And it makes the healing and recovery different, I think, yet still similar. It just has one other layer.
0:07:44 - (Marcia):
Yeah. Well, I want to thank you for sharing that. I've shared publicly that I am also a survivor of domestic violence and actually wrote a book chapter saying, I wrote a eulogy for the man who tried to kill me because I focused on the forgiveness. But that stays with you. Right. And we're going to talk a little bit in a few minutes about how you help women go through that. But when the person has the physical wounds or sometimes the psychic wounds, I remember there were times that even to this day, and this happened years ago, I might hear a voice that sounds like it, and my body automatically tenses up or I'll see somebody across. I'm like, the shape of their head. I was like, and it could be years later, also dealt with the infidelity, the pornography, and, by the way, not all from the same person. So you can question my judgment in people, but I've made it through.
0:08:33 - (Marcia):
And so as you're talking about dealing with betrayal trauma and as you're talking about how you help people and you want them to focus on the present, how do you help people who might see somebody down the street and, like, is that him? Even though they know, conceivably it could never be him or her. And I don't want to make it look like all abusers are males because that's clearly not the case. But when you're focusing on staying in the present, how do you get somebody who's stuck in the past or fearful from the future to focus on the present?
0:09:04 - (Marquelle):
Right? So I've gone through a lot of different therapies and modalities, and with that, I think one of the key principles or ingredients for healing from betrayal trauma and being able to come back to the present, there's multiple factors, and we need to start with self regulation. So they call it somatic exercises. It's from Peter Levine, the polyvagal theory, and why that is so important. I think even doing that first and then we add in the neuron coding with the thoughts is because we are actually helping to regulate the nervous system.
0:09:49 - (Marquelle):
When we're in trauma, we're in a sympathetic fight or flight, or we could be in the freeze. And we want to be able to go into the parasympathetic state, which is rest, relax, calm. And when somebody has experienced trauma, especially, like, if they see something or hear something, they go right into that intrinsic, instinctual fight flight, because the system wants to protect you. It doesn't want you to get hurt again. And I think that has been one of the biggest challenges or struggles for me, is, okay, I've got the thoughts, calm. I'm fine. I know I'm safe.
0:10:25 - (Marquelle):
And my system would just still either be bracing or guarding or just so anxious. And I got to a point where I really was feeling pretty great with my healing. And I'm like, okay, this is almost funny because I'm totally fine, but my system. So I've been doing a lot of somatic therapies, grounding tools, self regulation, to help me to be able to reprogram that vagal nerve. So shifting from the sympathetic fight or flight, some people might also be in the dorsal vagal, which is chronic freeze.
0:11:01 - (Marquelle):
And we've got to be able to regulate that nervous system. And I've found that with consistent practice that we can regulate that nervous system.
0:11:11 - (Marcia):
So I want to break things down because you threw a lot of words out there, all of which I understand, but the person that's driving to work might be like, what polyvagal? What? So let's talk this down. So give us an idea of, when you say the vagus nerve, what is that? Why is it important? And what is polyvagal theory? And then we'll go on from there.
0:11:28 - (Marquelle):
So the vagus nerve is part of the autonomic nervous system. So it means it's automatic. And that is part of your protect preservation. And it goes all the way from the back of the brain stem down through your abdomen and down into the pelvic region. And if you look at a picture of it, all those nerves that just span out, and it's really dense in the gut as well, which the gut aspect of that is the interic nervous system.
0:12:01 - (Marquelle):
A lot of people who have experienced betrayal, trauma or trauma, they'll say, I feel sick to my stomach or my stomach hurts because I've got a lot of gut issues, because there's a lot of receptors in the gut with our nervous system. And polyvagal theory is just briefly, Peter Levine, he developed that, and it is based on somatic exercises, which is helping us to be in tune with our body, our body's sensations, what we're feeling, where we're feeling it, and then being able to provide the support, safety, security for your system to help you to be able to regulate it.
0:12:48 - (Marquelle):
And I have used a lot of these vagal tone stimulation exercises or somatic exercises for gut health and healing. And I didn't realize the connection was so important for trauma healing. And I think for a lot of people who have been working on healing and recovery from trauma, they're missing that piece. And so if they can bring that in, I think that they will find that all of the other modalities that they're using are going to help even better.
0:13:21 - (Marcia):
And so that's really important, right? Because you are not a psychologist, correct?
0:13:26 - (Marquelle):
No.
0:13:27 - (Marcia):
Right. You are a functional nutritionist. You have lots of other certifications in education. And I think it's important that none of us, and I want to make it really clear to anybody who's listening are going to say, don't continue your therapy, don't go to your doctor. This is something to complement, not to supplant. So when you talk about these somatic exercises. Somatic meaning dealing with the body, and you're talking about the gut health.
0:13:51 - (Marcia):
You said sometimes people dealing with trauma, they feel sick to their stomach. What are some other physical manifestations that you've seen with your clients when it comes to dealing with trauma?
0:14:01 - (Marquelle):
There's a lot of fatigue. They're just really tired. It's like they feel like they're stuck. They'll even say, I can't even move. I don't even know what to do, what the next step is. There's a lot of brain fog, a lot of aches. It could actually trigger an autoimmune condition. A lot of people who have experienced trauma, I can't remember the statistic, but the statistic is pretty high. If the trauma is involved, the likelihood for an autoimmune condition is higher, which is why it's so important to actually deal with the trauma versus just trying to push it away. It'll go away. I find that it doesn't ever go away.
0:14:48 - (Marcia):
So I'm really interested in this relationship between chronic fatigue and unresolved emotional trauma. I know there may be many people who are here listening that either have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome or other kinds of issues. Why do you think that connection exists?
0:15:06 - (Marquelle):
Well, the connection exists because when we're talking about the autonomic nervous system and we've got the dorsal vagal, parasympathetic nervous system and the sympathetic, that chronic fatigue, people are usually stuck in that chronic freeze, which is that dorsal vagal system. So what happens there is the system is trying to preserve itself. It's also in that fight or flight. The system is just always under stress, which puts you go into overwhelm, and then you shut down because the body is trying to conserve.
0:15:41 - (Marquelle):
So what happens is it slows the digestive system down. And as you go through all the different steps, say, for digestion, it reduces saliva production, which is where we first begin to break down our foods. It slows down the stomach production of the gastric juices. It slows down the motility, which is really important to keep the food moving so that we can digest and absorb those nutrients. So on a gut level, everything is slowing down. So when we think also for the nervous system or brain health, that mental health all slows down, and it is like we're stuck. It has really thwarted or stopped the ability to move forward. Now, people do still move forward, but they're usually pushing through.
0:16:34 - (Marquelle):
And as they continue to push through, this is where that chronic fatigue or the autoimmune conditions come out with the chronic pain, achiness, and all the things that come with that, and it's different for each individual.
0:16:50 - (Marcia):
And if I'm not mistaken, you're also a licensed brain trainer, like I am, correct?
0:16:54 - (Marquelle):
Yeah.
0:16:57 - (Marcia):
So what's the connection with the brain? We've talked about the gut. How are they working together? And then how does neuroencoding help with that?
0:17:07 - (Marquelle):
So you often hear about the gut brain axis. So gut and psychology syndrome, they are very correlated, mostly because we've got that enteric nervous system, and it goes right from the gut right up to the brain. And so if the gut is inflamed or slowed down, we are going to get inflammation in the brain. If you're not digesting and utilizing your foods, we have what we call tight junctions in the small intestines within those villi, and they open up and they allow food particles to go right in. So you get leaky gut. So that's when you have food particles floating around the blood system, which creates more inflammation, which also creates brain inflammation. So addressing gut health is very important when you're healing and recovering from trauma, because if you can remove either foods that are sensitivities for an individual or that are creating or contributing to the inflammation, we can calm down the inflammation there in the gut, which actually is going to help calm down inflammation in the whole system, even with brain health.
0:18:17 - (Marquelle):
And so what we eat really does matter, especially when we're trying to recover from trauma.
0:18:24 - (Marcia):
So you are a functional nutritionist. What should we be eating so that we can recover from trauma? And is there anything we can eat that can make us, I'm not saying less susceptible to trauma, but that we might respond differently to the trauma, because we can't, say, eat a bunch of carrots and your partner will never cheat on you. Right. That's not the connection we're trying to make. But if we eat differently, can we respond differently to trauma?
0:18:48 - (Marquelle):
I think so. And I have thought about this because I am a nutritionist, and when my trauma happened, I was already eating really well. And so I really think that I, in some ways, was ahead of the game because my body was already in a good, healthy state. And so because I went through that already, having been on board with the nutrition for many years, I can't tell anything different because I was already all in.
0:19:25 - (Marcia):
For your clients, who may be, their favorite food is cheetos, potato chips, and fried chicken, what would you tell them either, not necessarily to be able to be more resilient when trauma comes, but they've come to you. They're dealing with betrayal. What do you tell them about diet? And if you can be kind of specific, obviously, some people might have sensitivities and that kind of stuff. But for the person who does not have a sensitivity to gluten, eggs, dairy, corn, all the other traditional kinds of things, what might you tell them that they should really start eating. And what would you say you should stop eating?
0:19:58 - (Marquelle):
Yeah, I like to keep it simple. And if we can think of eating a mediterranean diet, which is fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds, berries, good healthy oils and fats, lean meats, fish, you've got some of the eggs. If you don't have a dairy sensitivity, you could have some high quality dairy and limit your processed foods. I actually call them fun foods because we have them at social gatherings and parties and celebrations.
0:20:31 - (Marcia):
Or some people Tuesday night watching Netflix. Yeah.
0:20:34 - (Marquelle):
So it's fun, and I can't deny it anymore. Some of them do taste pretty good. So I do like to also allow people to have some fun foods if they can plan that and schedule that. Okay. Tuesday night, Netflix. I know I'm going to eat this food because I like it. Maybe you've got a party.
0:20:53 - (Marcia):
Okay.
0:20:53 - (Marquelle):
I'm going to plan for having something there that I enjoy. A cake or a cookie or some dip or something like that. So what we want to aim for is when we're eating more of a mediterranean diet, also with good whole grains in there and legumes. I left those out. Is this is an anti inflammatory diet, and it's full of healthy macronutrients and micronutrients that are very nourishing for the body.
0:21:23 - (Marcia):
For the non nutritionist, what's a macronutrient versus a micronutrient?
0:21:27 - (Marquelle):
So your macronutrients are your proteins, fats, and carbohydrates. And the micronutrients are like your vitamins and minerals. So lots of vitamins. Your b's, d e's, minerals would be like your magnesium, selenium, molybdenum.
0:21:45 - (Marcia):
So wait a minute, because I often hear, like, every day here in the newspaper, I see supplements are bs. You're taking expensive stuff to pee it out 20 minutes later. So you do recommend supplements, or do you say, get the supplements from your. Get the nutrition from your food?
0:22:03 - (Marquelle):
I do like people to get nutrition from their food. We've also got to make sure the digestion is working so that they can digest and break those down and actually utilize them at the cellular level. And I also know that our fluids are depleted significantly. And so I do think it's important to have supplements. Have a good multivitamin if you're not eating fish, a good omega three with fish oil. Or you could get an algae based omega three, which is plant based, making sure you're getting vitamin D.
0:22:37 - (Marquelle):
That is fascinating. With vitamin D, so many people are low.
0:22:42 - (Marcia):
I'm not, apparently, I always used to be, but I take a vitamin D-A-K and e. I take a combination. And I just got my results back. I'm like, oh, my gosh, this is amazing. This is the first time in my life that I haven't been low in.
0:22:55 - (Marquelle):
Vitamin D. That's wonderful. Yeah. And I think that one's an important one to test because it also deals with fatigue and inflammation, energy, being able to do what we want. So I do think supplements are important. We also want to have a good, high quality supplement. We don't want to just know low cost because there's a lot of excipients in there, whether it's coloring.
0:23:20 - (Marcia):
What's an excipient?
0:23:20 - (Marquelle):
Right?
0:23:21 - (Marcia):
What's an excipient?
0:23:23 - (Marquelle):
Food coloring, or maybe an emulsifier. Or they use like, anti caking agents, or they're putting in some whole foods ingredients and then some synthetic. And so really having a good nutraceutical company, top of the line, which talking to your nutritionist or healthcare provider would be good, because if we're struggling with different things with our body and even with brain health, we want to have the highest quality supplements so that we're not adding another toxin in, because for some people, those are creating more inflammation and disturbance to the system, which is defeating what we're trying to work towards.
0:24:05 - (Marcia):
I want to go back because you talked about the mediterranean diet, you've been talking about eggs and fish, et cetera, and you mentioned that there could be plant based vitamin e, et cetera. But what about vegans? So if a person is vegan, is it going to be harder for them to deal with this protocol, this nutrition protocol that you put together to deal with trauma?
0:24:27 - (Marquelle):
I think being vegan has a place. My family, we were actually vegan for about three and a half years. My daughter had an environmental toxic exposure at her school after it had been hit by a tornado. They were repairing all these things and her whole immune system collapsed. And one of the things we did, because the doctor that we found, he was into vegan raw foods. I did a lot of juicing. That was one way to heal so it can be done. What I have also found, though, for those who are vegan long term, and maybe if it's not the best fit for their body, this is where personalized nutrition comes in. It can deplete minerals when we are recovering from trauma. Trauma really puts a lot of stress on the system because we're constantly in stress.
0:25:23 - (Marquelle):
So it's very depleting. So what I have learned from my own experience and over the years working with others is if you are on the vegan diet for too long, it actually can become depleting and lead to negative health conditions. And so I think for short periods of time in the summer or if you live in warm areas, that could be better for you. And also, again, making sure if you're vegan, you've got a big variety of foods that you can eat with the plant foods and not eating a whole lot of the processed and packaged foods. So I think you can do well with it if you've got the good variety and you're listening to your body.
0:26:07 - (Marcia):
So you don't want to be like, I call it apostarian, just basically eating a lot of macaroni and fake cheese and saying, okay, I'm vegan because that's not really going to be great for.
0:26:15 - (Marquelle):
You because basically then they're going more into the carb foods, which interferes with blood sugar regulation, which really creates a lot of problems, which is also depleting.
0:26:28 - (Marcia):
I can't eat anything, but it's important, right? Because, and I think I'm really excited about the fact that we're making these connections because I think some people say, okay, my diet that's over here, my mental health is over here. And there's really a connection. And I'm glad to hear you're doing it. So what's the most counterintuitive finding, or what do you think people would be most surprised?
0:26:48 - (Marcia):
And I know you've been a nutritionist for a long time, and I gathered the nutritionist started before the trauma issues. So when you're thinking about what you learned in school or what people are being taught in school now, whether it's doctors or nutritionists or dietitians, et cetera, what's been the biggest surprising finding to you through your research and your experience?
0:27:09 - (Marquelle):
My biggest surprise was when we use vagal tone stimulation for gut health issues and chronic conditions, whether it's ibs, cybo, or sibo, however you want to say that diverticulitis and the vagal tone stimulation is known and utilized for helping to heal gut health issues, why isn't that more familiar for trauma healing and recovery.
0:27:38 - (Marcia):
So let's make our listeners and viewers familiar. What do you mean by vagal tone stimulation?
0:27:44 - (Marquelle):
So I'm going to give you some examples. So this is part of that somatic therapy, self regulation tools to help us to go from that sympathetic fight or flight into the parasympathetic, rest, relax, digest, or even if you're in the dorsal vagal, to help us to come back up into the sympathetic and back down into the parasympathetic. All right, so we're trying to regulate the nervous system so that the body isn't in constant stress so that it can actually rest, because when we heal, we need to be able to rest.
0:28:16 - (Marquelle):
And if the body internally is just always firing, we cannot heal very well, and it slows down the healing a lot. So an example would be humming or singing or. I really like this one. It's called havening. And you put your hands on your shoulders, and you gently rub down to your elbows and lift your hands back up to your shoulders, and you go down. That one is so relaxing for me. We have another one orienting, which some of the foundations for healing from trauma is to create that felt sense of safety and support so that then you can move into expanding. And so orienting is just looking around the room.
0:29:05 - (Marquelle):
I could say door, carpet, ceiling, pictures, window. And you want to look all around you and behind you and underneath you. And what you're doing is you're letting your system know, I'm safe. Right now, I'm okay. And this is something you really could do anywhere. I can even do this on these video conferences, looking, there's red and there's gold. So it's such a handy tool. It helps to calm down that vagal, that automatic nervous system helps to get you back into that prefrontal cortex where you can think clearly again.
0:29:42 - (Marquelle):
Again, we are redirecting. We're helping the system. Wait. Okay, you're off. And so you talked earlier about, okay, you see something, and it's kind of like that startle response. We call those triggers, too. And then you've got that trauma response. Well, if you can learn to be aware of your body and what you're feeling and sensing, and you notice that you could go right into one of these tools, whether it's the havening or the orienting, looking around or the five senses is another one.
0:30:15 - (Marcia):
Right? So that's awesome. And it's interesting. You talked about humming and probably, like you, I'm a certification junkie. So one of the things I did is applied neuroscience. And we were learning about the importance of the voice and the vibrations and the humming and the chanting. And when I had to do my certification, I had to do some research. And one of the things that I found was that they have found that if you chant, there's a certain vibration or even certain kind of humming or certain kinds of singing, like the gregorian chants or singing in choirs. Just twelve minutes of chanting or doing that kind of humming a day for twelve weeks has been shown to have effects on the amygdala, which the part of our brain that kind of deals with fear, et cetera. So there are things that we can do in addition to the nutrition that can really help us build up that resilience or to help us to deal with the trauma, because, again, it's regulating the emotions and that brain gut access that is so important.
0:31:18 - (Marquelle):
And I like how you mentioned the chanting. I would bring in affirmations or quotes or scriptures, something that you can recite over and over and over. And I have some of those that I use so that I can just default to that. Because what we want to do is we want to be able to catch when we're filling off and default to our bestop. And so if we can say some of those, like, okay, I've noticed that, yes, that was a little scary, and I'm going to be all right. I've got tools to help me and just go right into that.
0:31:56 - (Marquelle):
All of those are going to help us to reground, re anchor, whether it's chanting a chant or if it's an affirmation, quote scripture, something that's going to help uplift and boost those dopamine levels.
0:32:11 - (Marcia):
And it's important that you continue to do it and that you practice it, not when you're in that fight or flight, but when you're in a normal day, because like you said, then your body will default. Like, okay, you'll start to do this. So sometimes I was in an airplane a few weeks ago, and I felt like the plane was going to fall out the sky. And I just started to hum for. No, I started. And then the person next to me was like, I feel calmer because she could feel. And I said, if you feel it, because she was like clutching onto my hand, like, let's just hum.
0:32:37 - (Marcia):
So we probably look very strange, the two of us humming. Right. But even there's other kinds of things. When you look at certain kinds of things, when you're dealing with emotional freedom, technique, or other kinds of things, there's different kinds of things. That you can do from a vibration perspective, that really can help. So I don't think people recognize that we can heal ourselves, right? We can learn these techniques that can help us. Whether it's humming, whether it's certain kinds of eye movements, there's so many different things.
0:33:08 - (Marcia):
And again, we're not saying don't go to a doctor, but we're saying, learn these tools. So if you can't get to the doctor, you can do that. The five senses, what are five things? You can see, four things, you can hear those things, because when you're doing that, it gets you to the present. If I'm anxious and I'm saying, okay, let me try this. What are five things I can see? What are four things I can hear? What are three things I can smell? What are two things I can touch? Or whatever it is, there's different combinations of it, or I'm looking around, I'm anchoring, I'm seeing, okay, there's a red painting. There's those things.
0:33:39 - (Marcia):
It does bring you into the present, and I think that also helps you say, okay, and in my present moment, my attacker is not here in the present moment, that trauma is not really happening. And we're kind of retraining our brain and helping to regulate the emotions. Imagine if school kids were taught this at an early age, how much different they would be as they grow up if they had these kind of tools.
0:34:04 - (Marquelle):
These tools would really help change our families, communities, help change the world with being able to regulate ourself. And I do really like to instill hope for others when they're feeling so desperate and just broken that, okay, you know what? You can do this. I know it's painful and it's hard, and it does take time, and you really hit it on. A key thing is practicing the tools when you're not in a trigger response, because you can do just what you said you did on the airplane. You just went right to one of your tools. You didn't even have to really think about it. And so I like to have people practice these three or four times a day so that then when they do have a trigger response or they're feeling off, they can just go right to that.
0:34:54 - (Marquelle):
Okay, I know what to do. I've been practicing this. This is my plan. This is what I'm going to do. And then they're able to move through it. The other thing is, you're moving through the trauma response instead of trying to minimize and push it away and pretend like it's not there, because that doesn't help it. That just makes it build more and more. So we do need to validate it and call it out what it is. Okay, I'm feeling this, and this is how I want to feel. So I've got all these tools and resources to help.
0:35:25 - (Marcia):
Excellent. So does the journey. I know you tend to work with women, but does the journey of healing from trauma work differently in men and women from what you've experienced?
0:35:37 - (Marquelle):
Men may process things differently. I think, though, that they still need the same tools. So, for instance, women tend to be more collapsed or shut down. Like they just can't get out of bed in the morning or they don't want to get dressed or they don't shower and get ready because they're just so tired. Whereas men might have, and this is just a generalization, they might have more anger or rage or outbursts.
0:36:19 - (Marcia):
That's interesting because I think a lot of people wouldn't say, oh, that man must be traumatized. They're probably like, that's the guy that's going to traumatize somebody else. So let's unpack that a little bit more because I think that might explain a lot of bullying, a lot of domestic violence. Hurt people. Hurt people, which is a cliche, but I think that that's true to some extent. So you're saying that men, when they're processing trauma, often will kind of go more outward.
0:36:44 - (Marcia):
Am I understanding that correctly?
0:36:45 - (Marquelle):
Because they don't know how to regulate their self either. And so sometimes they'll go from a zero to a ten and just be volatile, whereas sometimes it's building, building, and then they just lose it because they don't know how to regulate themselves. They don't know what to do. First of all, men are always told, you know what? You can't fill that because you're a man.
0:37:06 - (Marcia):
Man up.
0:37:06 - (Marquelle):
Man up.
0:37:07 - (Marcia):
Man up.
0:37:08 - (Marquelle):
Get over it. That's really sad, because men are humans. They're going to have feelings. And so when they've been told that for years and years, it's really hard for men to be aware of what they're even feeling. So I think even for men, it's harder for them to learn, what am I feeling? Where am I feeling that? What am I going to do with that? And so if somebody is volatile or angry, they need more physical activity, whether that's weightlifting or running or doing different workouts, to just really get that adrenaline pumping and move those emotions through. Of course, they need to identify them, too, and be able to be like, okay, well, what do I want to feel, and they've got to realize what's happening.
0:37:57 - (Marquelle):
So learning how to identify what's going on in their system is important versus maybe a woman who is in trauma and she's just totally in that freeze state and collapsed. She might need to do more nurturing things, more quieter. Containment is one that we use or a hug or some neck support or back support, or women do like to take baths, usually maybe going for a slow walk, just noticing what is outside to actually more nourish their system, to help them to rebuild the energy while they're healing versus going and running. That might put more stress on their system or working out super hard, and then they just don't have the energy.
0:38:50 - (Marcia):
And we're talking big picture generalization. So before anybody writes into me saying, wait, not all women want to take a bath and not all men want to go and lift weights, you're just talking big picture generalizations, correct?
0:39:02 - (Marquelle):
Yes.
0:39:02 - (Marcia):
Obviously, everybody's different. People have different thoughts. People have different gender identifications. So before you write into me, we do recognize that we're just talking about generalizations.
0:39:13 - (Marquelle):
Yeah. And this is where you really personalize it and customize it. That's what I do. And I'm one of those that doesn't like baths. So that's definitely not a go to for me because that's like, I have to do that. No, same with me.
0:39:24 - (Marcia):
I'm like, I try. I've got, like, a million baths off. I'm like, okay, I'm stressed. I feel like I'm supposed to be relaxed, but now I'm like, just can't wait to get out of here. But I get really relaxed in a super hot shower and then end cold. And I get out, I feel relaxed and I feel invigorated. At the same time. I feel great. And that's why it's good that you did develop kind of like a bespoke protocol for people. So I want to switch gears for a minute. We've talked about food and nutrition, and then we've talked about rest and what you can do to help.
0:39:54 - (Marcia):
What about the things that are affecting everybody in society, the technology, the social media? How does that have an effect on trauma and health?
0:40:03 - (Marquelle):
Well, I was thinking about that some more, and there are some good things. So these days we have, like, the calm app, or there's the Nerva app, which has hypnosis, which is great for gut health. We've got meal planning and all of that recipes, I should say, helping with macros. So there are benefits for technology I think one of the drawbacks, especially if women have experienced betrayal, trauma with infidelity, or pornography.
0:40:40 - (Marquelle):
Along those lines, social media could really be a detriment, because they might have body image issues where, well, I don't look like that, or I want to look like that, or, man, they look so happy, and why am I not? Why can't we make this work? And so there's a lot of comparison. So it really brings down the self esteem and the confidence. So, one thing that I encourage people is, when they are on social media, notice what their thoughts are. What are they looking at?
0:41:14 - (Marquelle):
Because, really, that algorithm, it draws more of that to you. And if it's creating negative response, don't look at that or shift your mindset of, okay, they look like they're really having a great time. And maybe if it's one of your friends, I wonder what they do. So, I did that years ago. I wanted to be a better mom, as well as improve my marriage. So I would look at either parents or couples that I thought, wow, they look like they've really got it.
0:41:43 - (Marquelle):
And then I would ask them, when they're my friends, what do you do that's so cool how you're able to move through that? And then I get some positive feedback, and then I can try it. And one of my friends shared a book at one point, and so then I'm using that to help me improve, yet not compare also with the social media. I think if we have the intention of using it as a tool to help us gain information to help us.
0:42:14 - (Marquelle):
And so it's intention, not perfection, and then we're thinking progress versus expectation, because we have those expectations, and it really kind of falls in with that perfection. It's like, you get there, but, oh, that wasn't good enough. I could have done better. Well, I missed that. I made a mistake here. See, the expectation, the bar keeps rising. So if we have an intention versus expectation and progress versus perfection, really we've got more movement forward with our personal growth and development.
0:42:48 - (Marcia):
I love that. I want to switch gears for a minute. You've talked about having affirmations, but do you have a mantra or a book or a song or something that is your go to for inspiration or something that kind of changed your life that you'd want to share with others?
0:43:05 - (Marquelle):
Well, I use the scripture, Philippians 413, I can do all things through Christ, which strengthens me. So a lot of times, I'll just default right to that if I'm going through some really hard things. Okay, just repeat that I can do this. I've got the tools. Sometimes we just need something to help us to move through that huge wave of emotions and thoughts. I am christian, so I do like to listen to scriptures, motivational talks, talks by great leaders, good books.
0:43:42 - (Marquelle):
A couple I think that I listened to last year. The atomic habits and grit.
0:43:47 - (Marcia):
James clear. So atomic habits and grit. We'll put links in those. The show notes. I don't get an affiliate link. It doesn't matter. But I always like to have people have something as a go to because there are going to be some people listening saying, wow, Markel's story is my story and how did she get through? And I remember when I was dealing with many of the issues I was dealing with in terms of domestic violence, I was like, I'm a Harvard educated lawyer.
0:44:17 - (Marcia):
I should know better. How am I in this situation? Not that I'm better than other people, but what are you talking about? How could this happen to me? And I had nobody that I felt like I could talk to, right? Because who would understand? I'm sure that made recovering much, much longer because there was a sense of shame of how could this happen to me? How did I let this happen? How did I misjudge? How is it such a judge of character? So those are things that I want people who are listening to realize that you're not alone and that you can come through it and that there's resources and more importantly, things that you may not have thought about. Yes, you should definitely talk to your therapist. Yes, you should definitely do a support group. But think about what you're eating. How are you eating? How are you spending your time?
0:45:08 - (Marcia):
Are you allowing yourself to rest? And that there are actually things that they can do to self soothe. Right. So that you don't need to go to drugs or alcohol or staying in bed all day long, that there's ways to get out of it. So I'm really glad that you were so candid and have given us some really practical tips there.
0:45:30 - (Marquelle):
Yeah, I want to say a couple more things here along those lines. One, another book that has been so helpful, that uses a lot of tools that are similar to what we've learned from the neuroencoding institute. It's called the like dragons did they fight book. And we talk about know where we're at so we can be more in tune with our body and then how to redirect that. And so it's really a great resource and reference as well.
0:45:54 - (Marquelle):
And then the second thing is one of the most shocking things with betrayal, trauma, and with domestic violence is one. I, too asked, how did this even happen? I just didn't know anything about domestic violence. I didn't know what to look for. I didn't know what the warning signs were that were leading up. It's never happened again like that. So that was one of those shocking moments. The other thing that was really shocking, which is why I think it's so important that you have safe resources and safe people to reach out to, is as much as people want to help, they say all the wrong things.
0:46:35 - (Marquelle):
So not only was I saying, how did this happen? Or what did I do? And what could have I done better? People would say to me, oh, you must have done something to make him mad. You must be doing something like, then it was my fault, right? I just want to clarify that in domestic, domestic violence, it's never okay to have that physical abuse happen. And so just for the audience, if you don't know what to say, just sympathize with them. I'm so sorry you're going through that, because otherwise it makes the one that has been hurt withdraw even more because, well, you should have done something, or you could do this, or why don't you try this? Most people that are in a situation like that, they've already been trying all of those things, everything. And it doesn't work because they need to do their own work.
0:47:28 - (Marquelle):
And then we have to heal and recover. And that's where both individuals, if you're going to work on things to improve, you've got to each do your own work before you can come back together again to move forward.
0:47:40 - (Marcia):
Absolutely. That is critically important. If there is one takeaway that people could have from this entire conversation, if you wanted them to remember just one thing, what would that be?
0:47:54 - (Marquelle):
There is hope. You can overcome the impossible, and it can be possible for you to experience the joy of wellness. That's my slogan. I like to help people have the hope that they can experience the joy of wellness. Their mind can be calm and quiet, and they can feel happy again and enjoy doing things and living.
0:48:20 - (Marcia):
Now, I believe you've offered to our listeners a complimentary discovery call. How can people work with you? We'll put again information in the show notes, but how can people work with you? And you do work exclusively with women, am I correct?
0:48:33 - (Marquelle):
I do work with some men as well, and children. But my main focus is with women. And you can go to my website, markelbrown.com, and it's marquellebrown.com.
0:48:50 - (Marcia):
Excellent. Well, Marquelle, thank you for being here. Thank you for shedding light. Thank you for sharing your story and being so vulnerable and thank you for letting people know there is hope for the joy of wellness. Take care.
0:49:02 - (Marquelle):
Thank you.
0:49:03 - (Marcia):
And hopefully if you've liked and thought this podcast was helpful among all the ones I've done, this is what I really want you all to share with someone else. If you're not in this situation, I guarantee you you know somebody who is somebody you know is a domestic violence survivor dealing with trauma, doesn't know how to get out of bed, doesn't know what to deal with and now you can share this episode with them which has some actionable, practical tools and plus you can get them in touch with Marquelle. So Marquelle, thanks again for being here. Take good care.
0:49:33 - (Marquelle):
Thank you Marcia. Thanks so much for joining us.
0:49:37 - (Marcia):
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